You know you’ve been there. You know you’ve done that. Now watch as we micro-analyse every stage of your eating binges. Are you my cousin ’cause get ready to relate!
Stage 1: Boredom the phase where you’re like “am I hungry or just bored?” and “I really don’t need the jumbo order of nuggets (and extra large fries on the side!). Or do I?” I mean you know you’re not hungry, but who says that means you shouldn’t eat. Duration of phase – 15 seconds for normal people, 30 if self-restraint is your superpower
Stage 2: Determination – the phase where you convince yourself that you deserve the garlic butter naan and not just regular rumali roti because you had the worst day ever. You hear yourself say things like “Trump is President, I should eat nachos in protest. Its my social responsibility”; “Screw patriarchy. Who says you have to be thin anyway?” “Global warming will kill us all, might as well stuff my face while I’m still alive” …basically any and every excuse to eat. Duration of phase – Depending on your will power but never more than 10 minutes
Stage 3: Bliss the phase of ultimate satisfaction and gratification when you finally give into your binge-eating cravings; the most sacred and blessed of all the phases. Life makes sense in this phase. Duration of phase – you can’t put a number on this kind of happiness
Stage 4: Gratitude (aka food coma) The phase where you thank god for fries, and butter chicken, and everything else. You say things like “damn that cupcake though” and “you remember how good that pizza was?” and your eyes tear up just a little because it was that good. Like not just regular good but ‘Ed Sheeran’s new album’ level of good. Duration of phase – forever (you never really forget how good that cake was)
Stage 5: Guilt (combined with indigestion) the one where you feel guilty about the copious amounts of food you’ve consumed and promise to never do it again and that you will pakka go to the gym tomorrow. Duration of phase – Lasts something like 30 seconds, or until you feel hungry again.
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